Coming out to Indian parents.

cb7921

I am 23 years trans woman from Ahmedabad. I am currently working in Toronto, Canada and waiting for my permanent residence here. My family is in Ahmedabad and I would like to come out to them as soon as I get my permanent residence. I have already lined up doctor here who will provide me with trans healthcare such as hormones etc. I wanted to know how dud you people come out to your parents and what were their reactions?
Tbh I am not expecting much out of my parents and family as they are fairly trans phobic and narrow minded like most Indian people. The thing that I am afraid of is that they will fake their support and try to manipulate me into detransitioning or not even let me start doing it. I know I can do whatever I want since we are not even in the same country but I really do not want to go through that emotion torture from them. And I do not want to hide this forever because at some point they will figure it out. I just want to give them the information beforehand rather than blindsiding them as I do respect them and they have a right to know.
So are there ways to soften the blow or an easy way to yell them that does not involve too much drama? My mom is generally very fragile when it comes to emotional stuff. And she has already had a lot of health problems and also had a heart attack. I do not want to be the reason for her 2nd heart attack or her bad health. So I am pretty conflicted on what to do. Any and all advice is welcome!
Thanks a lot in advance! 🙂

s18009

cb7921 trust your gut on this and be safe - you can only hope for the best that they'll be understanding over time but you'll also have to prepare for the worst and be ready to go no-contact if necessary for your own personal safety and well being.
It is almost impossible to predict how people will react to your coming out to them, both immediately and how their views will change over time.
And this is especially true of parents, particularly Indian ones that hold a lot of expectations and plans pinned on you (usually with behaviors you typically see on https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/ and https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines) and from their perspective you coming out will throw a monkey's wrench into all of this, typically causing a knee jerk reaction of denialism that can manifest with all the usual stages of grief/loss from straight up denial, to bargaining, to threatening, to cajoling and hopefully finally acceptance (even grudgingly) - you will need to be strong, clear and persistant through all of this and not let it get to you or break you.
Especially watch out for any offers of corrective therapy as there actually are plenty of bad doctors and quacks out there who won't hesitate to take their money and try to "cure" you - and while their "cure" never works, it can lead to years of trauma and side effects.
Learning to set effective boundaries especially with parents and recognising and avoiding patterns of abuse is a key part of any modern Indian's journey, and this is especially true for trans people - arm yourself with knowledge

If they're educated, using a letter like I did and discussing afterwards may help, please feel free to modify - tailor it to their views and use https://transgenderindia.com/how-do-i-come-out-to-friends/
But once again - be sure to prepare for the worst while you hope for the best and expect things to change over time - I've found coming out and being your authentic self is a constant battle kind of a deal especially with those close to you (and with power over you) rather than something you get over with one time per person
All the very best with the arguably difficult journey ahead! Just remember you're never alone in this at the very least in the sense that this is something all of us here have to go through at some point of our lives and take comfort in the fact that it gets better and that there are a lot of people here who have succeeded in navigating these turbulent waters to come out more contended on the other side

cb7921

s18009 Thanks a lot for this information it helps a lot! while my parents are well educated, they are ignorant about these kinds of issues especially LGBTQ+ issues and are always pretty homophobic and I am fairly certain that they do not know the meaning of the word transgender as whenever that comes up they think of Hijras. I do not even know where to begin explaining to them that there is a big difference between the two even though there might be some similarities.
I just want to live the way I want without them controlling stuff and if they let me do that I do not have any problem but if they do not, then I do not care if they disown me. I know it sounds ungrateful and selfish, but I don't know what else to do without feeling guilty about wanting to transition and even for being trans. They're my family, and I do not want the guilt on my conscience of ever having to do that.

s18009

cb7921 it's not ungrateful to live your life in a way that you know is right for you. They may be well meaning but they can't really know what you've been going through all of these years and look upon or understand it the same way you do - they simply lack the context and experience for something like this, and it doesn't help that being trans is still a huge social taboo with tons of stigma attached to it, with little general awareness.

I think it would be far worse, especially in the long run for you to build and hold anger and resentment towards them and suffer in silence/self-repression than to have to take a break for a few years and meet on more amicable terms
It definitely pays to be prepared for the very worst case as you seem to be. Things will undoubtedly be difficult in the short to medium run but you'll likely learn to handle them as you go forward, as so many others have done before us.

Think for example you decided to marry for love and your parents didn't approve - a lot of people in this situation still go forward and get married anyway with or without their approval. As you may have seen/heard of with such scenarios first-hand, at first this heavily strains their relationship and may go no-contact, but a lot of them reconcile and accept this new reality over time - this is analogous to when you come out as it puts a wrench into their plans/aspirations for you in a kind of similar way - you have to do what you know is right, and hope that the rest of the world will eventually catch up and understand (or at the very least tolerate) over time - you are not at fault for being yourself

Please do read the stories on those reddit threads and the boundaries bit - it may definitely help with this to know that you're not alone and more importantly that you are not at fault here

Regarding educating them, those YouTube videos and articles are very beginner friendly and they may help them form a better understanding of what you're going through, but at the same time, everything around them and their current world-view and experience likely tells them to despise and fear this aspect of who you are (likely going though the cycle of denial/grief I shared earlier) - so it would be reasonable to expect them to take a long time to fully process things and to reach a reasonable level of acceptance (if ever)

Personally being mostly independent and setting strong boundaries with distancing and taking time apart as needed, though difficult (especially at first), really helped things along, apart from educating them patiently and persistently, and with time things could get better but I don't pin/revolve my life around their acceptance - I'll do my filial duty and be there for them always if and when they ever need me, but I will only live life on my own terms, and I strongly believe that it's unreasonable of them to expect me to do otherwise