can pornography make someone realize their gender?
Okay guys, here's the weird part. I've watching porn ever since I was young (15?) but it was alright, all the kids around me always talked about such stuff and I can't lie but admit that I've seen some stuff too. While I had some feelings like being jealous about girl's dresses and all the cosmetics they can use etc. I know I was a little comfortable with girls as well maybe because I was more open when talk about anything to them while i hesitated among boys leaving me like that kid at the corner of the class. I've seen a lot of porn now, i admit it, I have some kinks too and I feel like doctors would see me more as a pervert than a normal trans person. Maybe it's because I never doubted my gender that much until I started watching movies like BDSM and and sissy/cross dressing movies, gay porn etc. Now some people argue that it's totally okay to have discovered your gender via sexual adventures. Although I'm particularly afraid if doctors would take this case down stating that I'm a pervert. I mean my parent's aren't open about sex, they aren't liberal about gender issues. It's obvious that I and many other people in this country are stuck in their gender just because they're not exposed to different aspects of their personal self. Many times I doubted myself and my gender, my decisions and thought process. I felt bad, am I really a girl? or a boy? what if I become a full blown prostitute after I become a girl and lose control? if I avoid transitioning then what if I was really a girl and totally get to a point where I regret taking such a decision? being young I am prone to take decisions that can be disastrous to my life, both personal and societal. I've used video games to quench at least some of my thirst to be a girl and wear cute clothes. I've presented myself as a girl in online communities as well. I really enjoyed being addressed and seen as a girl, I loved it. It was unusually happy with that decision, I loved to talk and just act like a girl, that is be myself. I get total disappointment when I look into a mirror though, I look into the mirror and see someone else. I don’t see that charming and happy Swapna in the mirror. I see a dull unhappy and boring face filled with lots of pimples, dark spots and uneven skin tone. I’ve done a lot of bad things while all this happened. I got really addicted to porn, and have done terrible things like [SPOILER ALERT] Okay nvm I won’t say these here, I can certainly tell that I may have hurt myself doing these things, I’m not sure though. I’ve lost track of time, my life, and a lot of other things in the circle of this gender thing. It’s quite hard. I couldn’t sleep well, and I am lazy as hell to wake up early to go for a run and exercise. I didn’t write my inter exams well, which lead to the break down of my dreams to pursue a degree in a foreign institute. However, I’m considering to rewrite my exams this year again and hopefully get a position in a nice university. I hope I succeed in this at least, between this short period of time, I’ve lost a lot of friends, frankly because I’m ashamed to meet any of them, and also because they’re bad. I’ve lost my hope in god leading to my parents being angry and hopeless about me, I’ve lost a ton of respect just because I failed high school and all, but I don’t really care what others think of me now, “ohh that kid is totally not listening to his parents”, “he’s stubborn”; I get it, I don’t care, people always only see bad things in you.
That’s my venting 😞
Swapna
