Trans or not ?

Rasika

Hey everyone , I go by the name Rasika on internet ...
Please be patient , I just want to share n need advice how to deal with this ..
Here is my story ... Am the youngest son in my family and am 26 now . Since childhood I have always been in a very secured space of my family . I remember when I 5-6 when I never understood anything about sexuality I was a bit amazed about girls , my behaviour was never feminine , I'll rather it was of a weakling since I had a lot of health issues back then . As far as I can remember I was always attracted to stronger men even before puberty , not in a sexual way but I always felt secure with strong men be it relatives or family friends .In school I always in a sense attracted to my Strong friends n over the period of time I always had atleast one friend protecting n which made me attracted to them . When I reached puberty I started understanding sex a bit n got to know about SRS through a TV serial ... N yes it gave a desire to be a girl but maybe because of society n lack of understanding I suppressed . When I turned 16 I got introduced to porn n in sum hidden way I always saw myself as a girl in it ... In public life in school I was attracted to a few girls but not sexually & in between I had my first sexual encounter with my best friend who was always very protective of me . It was just making out nude n my giving him oral pleasure .. Since that time until I reached college I always fantasized about being a girl did occasional crossdressing but much . In college I went into a relationship with a girl forgetting my past as a phase . I did a lot of making out with the girl but never sex for other reasons . but after 2 years of being in relationship I wentbinto severe depression since I was always insecure for her n thought she will leave me . n during this I began crossdressing , my sexual urges heightened , n I did sex with a couple of random guys n I lost my virginity . Am a pure bottom . But all the time I felt disgusted after doing so . I thought may it is because of drugs like weed I feel attraction towards guys n I guess I watch a lot of porn that I feel myself trans but I am not .. But one thing I was always sure that am not gay n am a pure bottom .. After sum time the girl left me .. N since then I have no attraction towards woman n am only attracted towards men , I started watching she male porn .. Tried dating with men but backed out at last moment ... I feel like dying .. I live with family so I can't go to a doctor for help coz they will get to know n I can't take that risk ... When I see a girl I wish to have boobs wear girl clothes have a vagina ... In normal life my behaviour is straight as far as what people think but still much effimate but I hide slavery smartly .. Sumtimes I think am just over thinking that am not trans n sum times I strongly think that am trans , I am still studying n don't earn , so I can't even run away ... Help me figure out what I am really , I want to transition but neither I have resources nor clarity nor courage !!

AnuLuna

Rasika Hmm! Firstly thanks for sharing your story. Just because you want have s** with guys don’t be a woman. Being and living like a woman is not a easy thing.

Think more about yourself. SRS is a painful procedure. I’m not trying to scare you but this is the fact.

Megha

Rasika your story is very confusing. You must consult a psychiatrist, consulting a psychiatrist is not a big deal as you are 26, he won't come your home and tell everybody. You said you wish to have breasts like girls, but do you want to be treated like a girl 24x7? Do you want to openly behave like a girl? Do you feel like acting as a boy right now?

mtt123

Rasika
I understand you are going through a phrase of confusion right now as even I am going through the same phrase right now and am also of same age as you are (you can read my earlier post for my story).

So here is my view on your situation
- First thing you need to answer yourself is that do you want to transition only to enjoy your sexual life or you want to be a girl otherwise as well. If yes then transitioning would be perfect for you
- Sexually you always imagine yourself as a girl and it is almost impossile to change that thinking and still get your sexual exitement (I have tried it n number of times and failed everytime). Sex is a major motivator when I think of transitioning and so will be the case with you. Also it is not possible to never think of sex and whenever we think of sex it reminds us that we are not girls. Sex may not be the only thing in life but it is still an important thing to consider in life.
- We human beings do need a life partner. If you dont transition what you think what kind of life partner will you comfortable with a man or a woman. If woman will you be comfortable to do sex with a woman as a man which never exites you.
- Family and society may not be an easy thing to handle if you choose to transition. But if that's what you want you can always find a way to convince your family. Though you will need a lot of courage for that.
- Also transitioning is very costly

In the end it is your choice what you want to do in life. All of your family, friends and even psychiatrists can advise you but nobody can take that decision for you. Just keep your facts clear before you take the decision.

Rasika

AnuLuna thanx for replying .. I have read a lot about SRS n am well aware how difficult n costly it is ... But my main point of concern is if am a trans or not ? Having sex with men is secondary I know but am always a girl when having sex with a man .. When I imagine my future after 10 years I can't see myself as a man plus I hate to imagine myself crossdressed like an idiot when with a man .. I want to be sure to know what is wrong .
female anatomy attracts me I wish to have female body n live my life like a girl n if given a hypothetical chance to switch lifes I will without any doubt change it with a girl ... But am just not sure ... As for my sex life it is close negligent for past 2 years or more ... I just want to be sure if am trans or not ?

AnuLuna

Rasika Take your time... talk with yourself more and ask something here.... if you need to know anything which you don’t know or understand.

nisha5480

Hi AnuLuna,

I am from Mumbai and I am Nisha. I started getting interested in feminine side of the life when I approached puberty. FTV was quite new and popular those days. I started to know what is it that makes a female attractive. It was the time I got to know about masterbating. I wanted to wear the lingerie and used to steal brassieres and panties of my elder cousin sisters. I used to wear them whenever I used to be home alone. In those days it was only for the self pleasure and after that I used to get back to normal. However, after I lost my parents in last two years the craze rather the desire of living a feminine life has increased by leaps and bounds. I have searched a lot over the internet. I have many friends as well who love cross dressing and have enjoyed good times with them. I am not interested or attracted to men sexually or physically. My only goal is to live a life being a woman. I don't know how to start and from where to start. I am not sure how to tell this to my family. I would really appreciate if you would help me with this. Thanks and Regards, Nisha.

orange

Hi nisha5480 ,
Did you already consult a psychiatrist? He/she can help you setting your goals.
A psychiatric evaluation is also require if you want SRS.
The psychiatrist can also counsel on how to deal with your family.

@Transgenie can suggest you a transfriendly psychiatrist.

Megha

nisha5480 Experiencing gender dysphoria is beyond clothes or cross dressing, in my experience, at first I always wanted to be treated like a girl and wanted to freely behave like a girl, and the main reason of my transitioning are these two things. Clothes and other similar stuff are also important but shouldn't be the first reason of your transitioning. And if you want to transition you have to firstly consult a psychiatrist, he'll guide you everything and clear your doubts. Confessing it to family is very very difficult, confess it to your close friends first, you might get more comfortable if you talk about it oftenly, and perhaps makes it easier to confess to family.

AnuLuna

nisha5480 Hey Nisha!! how are you? Firstly do you want to live as a woman in closet or do you want to live as a full time woman? You want to go for a surgery?

It’s a one time go.. No coming back. I know a doctor from Kokilaben Hospital, Mumbai.

Dr.Sekhar Kapoor. (Psychiatrist).

Malini

nisha5480 m from.mumbai too ..can help 🙂

Rasika

orange am I invisible ?

orange

Rasika Thank you for sharing your story.
The only advice I can give is to consult a good transfriendly psychiatrist. No psychiatrist is allowed to share your status with your family, since you're an adult.

nisha5480

No Rasika. You aren't invisible but the posts or the discussions that I initiate are invisible it seems. Indians have always been with the mindset of selective in most of the activities of our lives. We don't have the mindset of helping others but like to isolate the ones who are seeking help. That's the tragedy or the gist of the entire experience that I have gone through this site. I will try my best to make it better.

swapna

nisha5480 D:

swapna

@Rasika Hello!

You say that you get attracted to men and think about being a girl and making out with them:
If you want to be a girl, it's your choice. If you want to be a prostitute sucking off men or something, that's also your choice. If you want to be a girl and become successful in other jobs is also your choice. Do what makes you happy.

You watched porn and made out with a man:
Watching porn is not a bad thing ?
Having sexual fantasies is not a bad thing ? (As long as you don't hurt another person directly!)
Making out with a man is not a bad thing (especially after supreme court's verdict!!)
Just make sure that you are having safe & consensual sex. And make sure that you don't get too addicted to porn and fall into a rabbit hole.

At the end of the day, you are the only one responsible for your life,
I'm not like trying to warn you or something but you go girl and do what ever you think is good for you to stay happy and sane. Don't worry about what others say or think about you, you only have one life and you gotta make the best out of it ?

Here's what I'd advice:
- If you're studying, keep studying.
- If you really want to start early, you can start saving money (ohh you're gonna require a lot of it ?) and even better, try to go for a part time job, doesn't have to be grand, just go for something that'll earn you enough money to be able to go to a doctor! (usually psychiartists / pshychologists take around 800 - 2000 depending on the doctor's experience etc)
- Try to buy girls clothes, doesn't have to be feminine, I bought a lot of girls clothes while living with my parents, the point is I bought tshirts and jeans lol ? But hey, knowing that you are wearing girls clothes might also make you happy idk ?
- Try to play games as a girl? Like I used to play video games in girl characters and with female names etc!! It was fun seeing boys trying to flirt with you LOL.
- Join online communities (LIKE THIS!) and get to know different people, their backgrounds, views and experiences!
- Ask @Transgenie for doctors near by so when you have enough money saved, you can go to the hospital with a fake name and approach the doctor! (Yeah I used fake names in hospitals when I went offf LOL, doctors were kind of shocked but lol)
- If you can afford, try to get out of India, reasons being better support and more inclusive people (you don't want to deal with bullshit do ya?)
- Be patient. This is the most important advice you'd get from a trans person. Be easy on yourself, take some time off studies or work if you can, enjoy the life, with parents, with friends so that you can cherish those memories in future.
- Keep yourself busy! Learn a new hobby, make a new friend, build something, write something, help someone, do anything to keep yourself busy. Don't let negative thoughts chime into your head.

I hope these points will help ya ? <3
Alice

Rasika

swapna so should I just forget about being trans or not ? And just work to fulfill my fantasies ? Plus all those things I mentioned about my sexual life n ways , I accept that am hyper sexual person n in that am always a girl in my mind and ambsure am not gay ... Only problem is I live in a place where going to a psychiatrist is not feasible n safe . Is there any way where I don't go to a doc n realise who am I really ?? One thing more me being hyper sexual person doesn't make me having relations with lot of guys I only had encounters that with my kinda fbuddy only twice 2 1/2 years back n since then I have been clean . not because I want to but because I am In dilemma . Sumtimes I wonder can having sex give me my answers ?

Rasika

swapna thanx a lot for replying . means a lot

sejal

swapna Beautiful advice!! Few experiences you shared brought smile to my face. ?

nisha5480

Thanks for your response Mako. I am going to share some of the information that I have collected or gone through in last two years or so. Keep an eye on my posts and you might find something useful.
Thanks and Regards,
Nisha

Rasika

nisha5480 thanx a lot for replying , am glad people still have humanity !

Megha

Rasika I observed that you are thinking about being a girl through sexual perspective more, forget the sexual part and consider other things of life and then ask yourself what you want. And you have to consult a psychiatrist if you want to transition, you can't transition without getting consent from a psychiatrist to start hrt. And aske youserlf questions like "do you love having beard on your face? Or you wanna get rid of it?".

nisha5480

No need to be thankful for anything that I share or say. My only goal is to help others because that way I would be able to find new avenues to fulfill my dreams or ambitions as well. I'll be there for you rather all of you I would say.
Thanks and Regards,
Nisha

Rasika

orange can u tell me any trans friendly psychiatrist in Lucknow !!

orange

Rasika

Unfortunately I don't, but Dr. Rajeev was mentioned in this discussion:
https://transgenderindia.com/talk/d/896-started-my-hrt-yesterday-superrr-exited/3

DevGupta

Rasika

u may consult Dr. Malaya kant singh from kant brain center in Lucknow for GID

nisha5480

Hi Orange. I have gone ahead and shared some resources or information but it seems people are not ready to take the efforts by themselves and want everything to be dished out to them. It is been almost half an hour since the time I have posted and I don't think anyone has gone through the information these pages contain.
Thanks and Regards,
Nisha

NandhiniAnand

Megha That's illuminating answer. Also while generally psychiatrists should be able to guide better, you have to keep in mind this is India, and there's a shortage of awareness of trans issues. Can you elaborate on freely behave like a girl? For me personally, one of the aspects i wish is the niceness that girls get treated with socially and the acceptable range of emotions they can display without being judged.

@nisha5480 : I still recommend going to psychiatrist, as they can still help you rule out other problems. Also try chatting and playing games as a girl online, and see if you lke the attention you get and how you get treated.