Swapna from HYD

swapna

Hi, I'm Swapna(Not legal name) from India.
I'm 17 years old and I discovered my gender at the age of 15. I kept my identity to myself and online communities and never came out to parents or friends(except for 1 friend who was very close and promised he wouldn't disclose this information to anyone and thankfully he stood on his word).

I've only been able to get to know about myself after watching porn such as cross-dressing, gay, and sissy kinds. At that time I never really had any Idea about anything, and I usually had the basic thought that "gay" and "lesbian" or just basically any "other" gender is just silly, and totally disgracing to the community and society etc. I was very much against these things from birth due to the society and culture that I live in. This was because of how I was raised, my parents, teachers and school, the society and religious and cultural leaders; everyone made me believe that homosexuality is the worst crime you can commit in your life.

I normally don't get any discrimination right now because I have not come out of the closet yet. I did not disclose to anyone except a few people who are with in the LGBT community and they are pretty remote as well. My friend is the only real life person who knows about my personality.

If I happen to disclose my sexuality and orientation to my parents, the possible results would be pretty bad, my parents are more than likely to take me to a religious person and try to "cure" me of my thoughts, they might as well take me to the hospital to talk to a psychiatrist or even take me to "black magic" rituals to cure my "disease".

As there are no laws against discrimination, LGBT people are often offended both publicly as well as privately. Even the police don't give much of an importance to the LGBT community and cases relating to this, and I doubt that they might as well not support LGBT community in court and law.

These are all the problems I have, I need help, I want to fulfill my dreams, I want to help the world grow. I've tried to suppress my urge to be a girl for a few days, and I seriously can't manage the pressure I get onto myself. I get mad, I get really angry and often times end up at suicidal thoughts. This really frightens me and my future. I dreamt of becoming an entrepreneur and the only way to do that is by being myself, to open myself up and to follow my emotions. It's very hard to pretend to be someone who you never will and can be. It's very hard to stick to the society's stereotypes even after knowing how meaningless some of the society's norms and views are.

I am basically failing my highschool now, and all my dreams are getting shattered, I found this website while talking in only chat rooms, and now, even though I seemed to have discovered my gender from watching porn, do you think I am going in the right direction? I seemed to have attempted suicide 2-3 times in the past month, I can't totally think well on this. I feel guilty and bad, sometimes depressed, sometimes I feel okay, but fear what will happen if I come out. I need advice.

Swapna.

DivyaLele

Dear swapna.

I understand where you are coming from. I have been there. it all seems soo confusing. I would suggest you to visit a qualified & trans friendly psychiatrist in your city. Being trans is never going to be easy.. please don't ignore your studies. At this age your studies are the most important part of your life.. transition can come later.

Megha

swapna control your emotions for a while, untill you get independent. When you will be earning your own money, you can do whatever you want. So, study hard. Firstly consult a psychiatrist for gender evaluation, and then consult an endocrinologist, not for hormone treatment but to stop male puberty so that no further muscular changes don't appear in you untill you get independent.

lana

swapna Hi Swapna,,

Firstly, I must tell you how thoroughly impressed I am by the clarity and focus you have with respect to your choice of career and professional life. At 17! ? I was such a mess at 17!

This I mention, because you can actually do well with this! Here's my two cents on your dilemma: (my opinion strictly ? feel free to disagree)

Finish high school. I agree with the girls here - a degree is everything (we can debate the manner of teaching, the content, the uselessness of current school education etc) but at the end of the day, the degree is the key to unlocking many doors for you. Don't regret this. Just suck it up, and get through school. I ? % encourage you to do so. It's just a year or two. I understand it is tough, but a degree will be invaluable. Even necessary, in some cases, if you're looking to do a specific professional course.
Your career moves will help, I believe, in your transition as well. Your choices of projects, the FreeCoding and Photoshop etc will be great in your future moves - many new age (and some old) industries will be open to you. You could be an animator, VFX artist, graphic designer, etc etc etc... depends on you ? Additionally, most of these roles are back-end but vital roles ie you can work with a small team, niche outfit, small companies etc. The benefit: these companies remain people, and dont become one big organization without a soul or people values. It'll possibly be 8-10 people, including you. A bunch of people, who will I am sure, be flexible and understanding of your identity, especially given how amazing your work will be. Skill sets like the one you're building enable a lot of people to work from home/ remotely nowadays, while making good money. Additionally, it's a great skill set for freelancers as well. It might just allow you to work through your transition while shielding you (at least to some degree) from a societal glare, so you don't necessarily have to go to an office everyday etc, and deal with stigma etc. This could be a possibility. Keep at it! Build that resume!
On transition: At 17, you will need parental consent and approval before any psychiatrist will meet you, or treat you, here or abroad. If you cannot come out yet, or you believe that your parents won't understand, wait till the age of consent. In the meanwhile, you can do a few things to make yourself feel better - the hair removal (your other thread), try make up, try and dress a little more unisex if you can (without raising eyebrows or putting yourself into danger/ uncomfortable situation), grow your hair out, get your ears pierced, manicures and pedicures etc. These are small things, but they prove to be extremely soothing. I did them, and I know they made me feel much more aligned to my truth, when I looked at myself in the mirror every morning ?

I suggest a tactical approach to this situation. It's a long term life plan for you - be rational and strategic about it, and there is no reason it won't happen. Yes, it'll be very tough; you will want to give up many times. But that is why we are here - to help you, listen to you, and in some of our cases (not yet me, but WIP!), serve as examples that it can be done! ?

Stay strong!
xx
Lana

AnuLuna

swapna Swapna, Nice to know about you. I am Anu at the age of 17 I didn't even know what was I going through! You have lot of clarity in your life and I am happy for you. It took 8yrs to complete my graduation, I used to have acute gender dysphoria. I never used to college because I need to sit beside guys and I was not interested in studies. Parents,friends everyone after completion of my 4th year started giving me advice, blah blah....... I never listened to anyone.

But saw change in my parents and friends once after I completed my graduation. I personally feel you need to have some kind of degree to pursue whatever you want to achieve in the field of education. I am not around from hyderabad but I know a psychiatrist named Pragya Rashmi (HYD) and Bipin Kumar Sethi (Endocrinologist, Care Hospitals,HYD). These two doctors are very transfriendly. I met Bipin Sir and he so kind and supporting. Please reach them once you are 18.

I wish you all the best for your career.

swapna

DivyaLele I'm sorry but I just can't do it anymore. I wrote 2 exams now, failed them for sure but meh. Though I have a passion and a goal in life, so I will work on that, I am willing to be an entrepreneur and trans rights activist. I am actually making up my own Bachelors degree with what ever free resources I can find, even though I can't attend, and no I won't retake the exams. The educational system in India is worst.

swapna

Megha Can you please suggest? I am 17 and my parents will not let me out of the house without permission and without me saying where I am going, so I need help. I want to start HRT by 19 and I want to get my blockers by 18 or somewhere between 18-19 ?

swapna

How can I consult , I am not open to anyone yet, and I don't know where to find those people

yashika_1989

swapna
Hi Swapna,
I completely agree with Divyalele and Megha.
We, having gone through the same emotions and feelings, completely understand what you might go through. But I think you are missing on certain things. Transitioning is not an easy task. It's not something to rush into. Yes, the sooner the better, but not at the cost of your studies. Ultimately, it's your education that will help you to be financially independent and pursue your dreams. I say this because I know how much does it cost, in monetary terms, to do laser hair removal, undergo the surgeries, etc. And ever after all this, you need your education to get a good job.

The sessions with a psychiatrist in a government hospital would be reasonable enough for you to independently seek them. However I don't think they would entertain people below 18 years without parental support. I would suggest trying out at different government hospitals - psychiatry department. At the same time, it's important to come out. Try to build the courage to come out to you family, irrespective of the repercussions. Time and patience will lead you to achieve what you need.

DivyaLele

swapna Transition is a difficult life choice. There is a lot of discrimination against trans people all around the world, not just in india. Even the trans people with best of the degree from top universities of the country have a difficult time finding a job that they wish for. Whereas trans people who mess up their education becoz of gender issues, most of the times end up as hijras, begging in the streets or doing sex work.

The Only difference between a transgender person who begs on the streets or does sex work and transgender who leads a mainstream life is education. World is cruel, One thing is for given..99% of the trans people who mess up their studies at young age, end up begging in the street or as commercial sex workers.

At your age everything may apparently seem easy in the distant future, but unfortunately that is far from reality.. our imaginations always makes us dream of a best life for us & we fail to take worst case scenarios into consideration.

You want to be an entrepreneur... I am happy for you.. I am an entrepreneur too.. so i can give u few lines of advice from my life experiences..To be an entrepreneur you need a lot of people to work with you, to trust you, to believe in u, to believe in ur vision, to march with u towards the common goal... Be it the employees who work for you, or the suppliers who supply u goods or services, or the customers who give u business, or the landlord who rents u the office space etc etc etc. In a world full of discrimination, its not a easy thing to achieve. You need to be strong. and also have some back up plans if you fail to be an entrepreneur.

All i can tell u for now is to concentrate on your studies, its the most important thing of your life at this moment. Nothing is as important as your education at this time. You may feel that i am crazy... but trust me , we all have been through what you are going through now. stay strong & do the best you can with ur studies. Working hard and excelling in ur studies is the best thing you can do right now to transition, it is your 1st step towards your transition.

Megha

swapna you have to be 18 to get a job. You can do any short term diploma course of your interest, then you can have a part time job, may be your family will allow for that because it's part of education. According to me firstly get independent and then confess to your parents.

Mohini

Oh Mā Durgā... This is so hard to read. I was where you are, but I kept putting off, putting off, and finally, after I got up the nerve, I went through with it at 32 (I'm 51 now). I know what DivyaLele is suggesting is hard, but you must have your future based on a solid foundation. It is true, as I have a masters degree from a state university in Texas, but it is not useful for me at all, and I do house reorgnizations for people from my Hindu temple in the area. Sometimes, I work outside, sometimes, in the garage, and sometimes in these nasty bathrooms overflowing with things that belong in different rooms. It is only part-time, which is all I need (and ended up settling for). I am able to pursue my sādhanā in my spare time.

However, the problem is, DivyaLele, is the need for hormone blockers ASAP. She's already 17, and bad things will start happening to her body. You HAVE to do this NOW. You will end up paying for the changes later in life.

So, two positions, which way to go? It is up to you. You have to be willing to live with the problems that come with each direction, so think it through thoroughly.

swapna

You guys don't know, I already wrote some of my exams, and I failed them, meaning I already failed highschool and i cant change it, im all broke and a very bad person, im pretty bad, i hurt people with my innocense

Megha

swapna so you are unable to concentrate over studies coz of all this, m i right??

swapna

Megha Yeah maybe, I am pretty unsure about everything right now. I've dropped out now, I am learning on my own.

DivyaLele

Dear swapna ,

I am sorry , i was pretty harsh on u.. I dint mean to hurt you.. If formal education is not your cup of tea.. Try learning some skills that can help you be self sufficient in future, like photography or adobe tools or music or some other skills. Some skill that you can freelance to earn money in future.

swapna

DivyaLele I'm self teaching myself Computer Science. I am currently learning a few concepts of front end web development. Along with that, I also have experience in Adobe Photoshop. I daily use it for my illustration and mockup processes. Besides that, given a couple of month's time, I will get my front end certification from FreeCodeCamp(free Online MOOC) & a few more months, I will get a back end and full stack developer certification along with projects that I have done, a pretty neat resume.

What I have in my mind is, that if I can get through the front end certification (I finished 80% of course as of today, the rest are just projects) then I can perhaps work on a few more projects and then start looking for jobs.
The kind of job I'm particularly looking for is what will give me a VISA sponsorship, but this can be a challenge for me as I don't have any formal education at this point. I'm also most likely to get weeded out in the interview selection process just because I have no degree, but this won't stop me from being who I am. If not this, I can apply a hundred more jobs, and I can always polish my career opportunities in the gaps. Following this march, I won't be able to attend college as I know I'm gonna fail highschool, nor am I confident on myself to redo the whole highschool course, the reasons are a lot, the educational system, the way people are treated, the kind of work or let's say burden I get on top of it, all these reasons totally destroyed my enthusiasm towards education, especially Science & Mathematics. I missed so much of fun in maths and science due to the boring tasks from school. The way I learn is the fun and also the hard way.

So, what I'm planning to do is, I'm working on making a personalized CS course. Especially, as IIT and other institutions like Yale, Harvard have open sourced their resources, I can take their references and learn pretty much everything a BA course teaches, and maybe even more out of my own curiosity.

This is currently my online portfolio. It's basically a pretty simple website with my skills and stuff, It's not updated though, I need to add skills on it, and I've done a ton of projects which I'll add to this website as I go.

https://mako.github.io/

Well, that's my portfolio, it's incomplete though, and that's because I'm not ready for a job, yet.
I'm also learning a lot of UX/UI design. I hope to work on these skills as much as I can. I came from a game development background,that is, before this tragedy(highschool) I used to make games, make 3D models and also I used to produce music ( https://soundcloud.com/mako/sets/yolo ).

I might get back into game development after some years though, at this point my main focus is to beat my skills down to make myself as prepared as possible for an interview in the next 4-5 months. (I'll be 18 in 4 months )

And, as soon as I can, I need to get on blockers, I don't know where to find the doctors, so I need help, even if I was able to talk to the doctors via my computer, it would be awesome but I have my fears of getting caught, I gotta be careful.

Swapna

yashika_1989

Hi Swapna,

I am so happy that you have put together all the information and are working to build a great portfolio that could help you boost your career. Also, the fact that you have gathered so much information on voice feminisation (on the other post) shows how keen you are to follow your dream of transitioning. This much information I myself haven't been able to communicate and am already out lol. It's great to see young generation so determined.

In view of the above and understanding the need to transition asap, I would still recommend you to finish your high school. It's ultimately your decision, but sometimes experience really helps us see the real picture. I don't want to discourage you, but having these projects on your sleeve may still not be sufficient. Other people who have the similar project plus a degree will end up taking such jobs. I think not completing your high school and degree is a huge risk specially if you plan to move abroad. There is a lot of competition out there and jobs aren't as easy to get anymore. I used to work as a language specialist with Oracle. I quit y job in jan this year to complete my surgeries and recover. Just a couple of days ago, I had an interview with NIIT and after I told I was a transsexual female, they put my profile on hold. BTW, the interview had gone really well and they were pretty happy with me until I told them about my history.

In any case,I understand how difficult it is to do high school/degree and transition at the same time, but you got to be strong. Besides only fools make fun of others. I believe studies are a big thing to forego. And irrespective of your decision, I suggest you to find a psychiatrist as soon as possible to start your journey.

swapna

yashika_1989 Hi, I'm shy, don't boast me o-o. and I get pretty weird when I'm shy. besides that, I know the risks of not taking education, especially in India. The risk is too high, the employers themselves get disappointing at the thought that you don't have a formal education. Yeah, that's so bad. One of the reasons I hate is that, first being our education system which is obviously so dumb and is wasting millions of children's life and destroying their dreams and making them a losers in life. second being the way the society thinks about education. That, a certificate is all they need, nope nope nope that's not how it goes, and yet the society is down to these things. It's such an unfair life.

I'm not one of them, I feel suicidal everyday, for my life, for what I was, for not having friends and being alone all day long, just staring at the screen and essentially not having good physical and mental health. These are all things that haunt me on daily basis. I try my best to overcome them by doing things I love to do, or just by talking to people on the forums/chat rooms.

I'm joining many developer camps and meetups this summer, just to network with people, to get opportunities and such. Meetups are one way to network ?

I'm also trying my best to research on what kinds of chances I have to get a job, and how I can possibly do these things. I'm well aware it's gonna be even more hard to get a job abroad without a degree, as some countries don't even consider giving a work visa if you don't have a degree. While I have my options, Europe is totally not a go to as they have strict laws in terms of immigration and Visa. I think it's a tad more easier to get into Canada & New Zealand or even Australia as they're pretty liberal around these. Especially Canada.
Well that's just what I think from what ever I learnt from the web, you can never trust a stranger on the internet, but I know that it's best to my knowledge. Things can change... (future reader ? )

Also, I can do freelancing, but well yeah there's challenges here too, mostly it's hard to find clients if you're pretty new to free lancing, it's gonna be challenging, unless you have a sleek portfolio, which I yearn to have and try as hard as I can to showcase my best work.

One of the biggest challenge when finding jobs abroad is, these guys are sponsoring VISA, that means they are actually taking a responsibility on us saying to their govt "hey govt, we'll keep this guy at our company, we'll make sure he's in our supervision and gets out of country once the job is done ". So, they'll be very very keen on selecting interview candidates, and I have no idea how they're gonna test coding skills apart from asking technical questions and about experience and such.

Well, that's a small amount of what I learned from what ever I have.
between, no I have not collected that data all together, it's true that I found these resources a lot myself on the web, but all these were actually collected by a group of people on the internet. They put it all together nice and tight for others to utilize, and not get frustrated.

Cheers,
Swapna

DivyaLele

yashika_1989 i am sad that even well reputed companies like NIIT discriminate people on the basis of gender identity & a persons medical history.

@swapna Hi Swapna, I am happy to read ur msgs, I would encourage to stick on to your plans with acquiring skills. I you are skilled, you can always write the exams via correspondence and get ur formal education certificates. Hone your skills sweets & become employable... I wish you luck :*

yashika_1989

Well in that case I wish you the best. Yes, networking and social meetings do help.
Keep us updated and do let us know in case you need anything ?

swapna

yashika_1989 All I wish now is to learn as much as I can and build a strong resume, but even yet, It's gonna be 50% more tough than the normal applicant as I don't have good educational background.

Cheers
Swapna

yashika_1989

swapna I started my journey in Bangalore itself. Started by visiting a psychiatrist from NIMHANS Koramangla. Since then I have stayed in Pune, Mumbai, Delhi (where I had my SRS and other surgeries). I moved back to Bangalore last week and have not had any person staring at me. Dunno whether I pass or whether people really don't care. The endocrinologist at St. John's hospital is quite trans friendly .

DivyaLele I know. though not all MNCs do that. When I told my director at Oracle that I wanted to quit for these reasons, he was quite supportive and said I could take few weeks off and come back. I guess it depends.